UGH! What a day.
Sometimes I have days at work that suck the life right out of me. It’s not usually because of a big blow-up or argument. No screaming matches. No one calling me names or insulting me.
It’s usually something minor that just irks me, really gets under my skin, and starts me fuming.
If you read my article last month, you learned about my “abdominal anxiety,” that sickly hot and churning feeling I have in my stomach when I’m stressed. When these situations happen at work, my stomach feels like I swallowed a 5-lb weight. I get that nauseating gut-punch of anxiety and radiating tension into my arms and legs. In those moments, I wish I could channel Mr. Spock from Star Trek and be free of such emotions. I’ve made a lot of progress with my mental health over the years, but I can’t override biology.
And that’s because our brains are structured to FEEL before we THINK.
In Dr. Travis Bradberry’s 2023 published book Emotional Intelligence Habits (an excellent read, by the way), he explains our primary senses enter the base of the brain from the spinal cord, they pass through the limbic system (in the center of the brain where emotions are experienced) to reach the front of the brain were rational thought takes place. Everything we hear, see, smell, taste, and touch travels a gauntlet of emotional processing before our rational brain even has a chance with it.
Is it any wonder we get angry, overreact, and have fiery internal (hopefully internal!) monologues when things go sideways? There’s a lot of truth in the saying not to make big decisions while you’re upset. You need to give your rational brain a chance to catch up. The emotional brain might be in the middle of a resignation email when the rational brain asks, “Don’t we have a mortgage and car payments?”
Bradberry goes on to explain that emotional intelligence is a combination of personal competence and social competence. Today we’re focusing on the two aspects of personal competence, which are self-awareness and self-management.
Someone who is self-aware can recognize the reaction as an emotional one. Over time, they see patterns and similarities and can predict when a situation may cause an emotional reaction. Familiarity provides a set of tools to process those emotions quickly and start working toward solutions.
Self-management draws upon self-awareness. Things are not always going to go our way and we may find ourselves dealing with emotions from frustration, anger, change, or other unexpected issues. Self-management enables us to effectively act and communicate in the face of emotion. Bradberry puts it quite elegantly when he says,
“When you understand your own emotions and can respond the way you choose to them, you have the power to take control of difficult situations, react nimbly to change, and take the initiative needed to achieve your goals.” (Bradberry, Emotional Intelligence Habits, 2023, p. 11)
It’s taken years of practice to develop skills that help me let go of the emotion and move on to rational thought and planning (#SpockGoals). But even with those skills, the time I spend in an emotional fugue varies. Chalk it up to how resilient I’m feeling that day, I suppose.
Focusing on the work environment, here are a few techniques I use to help let go of the emotion:
Am I Fighting To Be Right, Or To Find The Right Solution?
This is a common trap I fall into when advocating for my preferred solution. Others may not agree with my solution so I highlight the benefits and may also bring up points against other solutions. In doing so, I can close myself off to other – possibly better – solutions because I’m wrapped up in the idea of winning. This is where the emotion needs to leave. At work, it is not about always being right, it’s about finding the right solution for the problem. It may be my idea; it may not be my idea. Regardless, we need to put our egos aside so we can find intelligent solutions to problems we encounter. Don’t reject ideas simply because you didn’t think of it first.
You Are Not Just The Work You Do
When I started my career as a technical writer, I had a lot of anxiety around document reviews. It may have been a carry-over from receiving homework back covered in red edits and corrections. I’ve often struggled with perfectionism, so being handed a paper covered in red ink felt demoralizing. In my perfectionistic brain, each red mark was a sign of imperfection. Failure. I’d finish reading through a markup and felt every inch of me was covered in invisible scars. At that time in my life, an attack on my work was an attack on me. If the work was bad, I was bad. You may not be surprised by any of this knowing I had a history of depression.
Overcoming this took a radical shift in my mindset. I needed to completely reframe how I thought about those red marks. I had to see edits as ways to improve the WORK, not as attacks on ME. In my heart, I knew perfection was impossible. Did I think I was infallible? Of course not. Then why would I close myself off to other people’s suggestions to improve the work? Once again, I had to remove myself (and my emotions) from the equation.
I’m Outta Here!
When my emotions run hot, I need to remove myself from the conversation or situation. Strong emotions lead me to say and do things I will regret later. At the same time, I need to take responsibility for my emotions and the impact they have on others. It’s not fair to violently unload on people when they don’t deserve it. It’s not only professional, but also being a responsible person, a good leader, and a decent human being to not bombard others with our emotions.
My go to technique has long been to distract my brain with a different stimulus. And my favorite way to do this is to walk outside barefoot for a few minutes. In a world of shoes (and this girl certainly loves her boots!), we receive far fewer touch sensations through our feet than through our hands. We become accustomed to the feeling of our shoes and filter out those sensations because of how common they are. But take off your shoes and socks and walk for a few minutes on grass, or sun-warmed concrete, or even step through a puddle. I think the feelings are stronger because they are rarer. It’s such a simple thing, but it can completely cut off my intense feelings and move the issue to my rational brain. Give it a try next time you’re upset and see if it works for you.
It’s no easy thing to accept, resolve and move on from emotion, but the benefit of the skill is immeasurable. I’ve written before about techniques to move from “circling the drain” with feelings of depression and anxiety, but these techniques are also valid for reactions such as anger. This is not to suggest emotions are bad; far from it. But dwelling long term in an emotional prison, one that prevents you from moving on, resolving the issue, or finding a new approach is not a healthy place for us to be. With time and practice, these skills can not only benefit your mental health, but they can also benefit you professionally and create increased self-confidence.
Thank you all for reading. I’m happy to announce my website mentalhealthy.net should go live this month. I plan on cross-posting these articles to LinkedIn, but the website will contain additional written content, links to the custom jacket designs I create to benefit mental health charities, links to podcasts, and a mailing list. I’ll be putting up a post on LinkedIn when it is ready. Can’t wait to share it with you all.