Today I want to talk about inclusion, but maybe not in the way you think. I don’t mean inclusion in the workplace or within society. I’m talking about inclusion for ourselves and the multiple personas many of us tend to cultivate.
Some people call it wearing different hats or masks. I named my personas depending on the environment. There was Work Heather and Wife Heather and Mom Heather and Me Heather and any other version that needed to be created.
Each had a set of characteristics or rules.
- Work Heather was efficient and effective, intelligent and accommodating; she was a good and organized employee and would strive for success while trying to suppress mounting stress and crippling self-doubt.
- Mom Heather had to cultivate extreme patience and try to be warm and welcoming for play dates and Mom groups while secretly watching the clock and plotting polite ways to leave.
- Wife Heather felt the need to be constantly upbeat, funny and engaging because my husband would ask questions and worry if I were showing signs of depression.
- Me Heather… oh boy, how to describe it? I did my best to keep everything pasted together, but the pieces kept flying apart. I was constantly exhausted because maintaining and performing in these personas was a full-time job. My mind was a cluttered and messy place trying to support them all.
I’m not suggesting I have dissociative identity disorder. It’s more like I customized my primary personality to be more “acceptable” in that situation. I felt the personas would help me achieve a level of normality with the other people who inhabit that space. I would seem like I belonged there.
Over the years I’ve become very good at this compartmentalization. When Me Heather was in the deep throws of depression and anxiety, I could put her aside for Work Heather and complete a full day at the office. At the end of the day, I’d try to switch again to Wife Heather or Mom Heather. That change was less successful because maintaining Work Heather had required a lot of energy.
I’ve been able to keep this up for months – switching between personas to get through the day. Eventually, however, I’d exhaust my energy stores and go into full collapse followed by emergency doctor appointments, medical leave and an inpatient or outpatient hospital stay. So, as you can see, being good at something doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good FOR you. Excelling at compartmentalization also meant avoiding my mental health issues, denying treatment and causing havoc for those who love me.
(Insert obligatory pop culture reference!)
In X-Men: First Class, the X-Men are in training to fight Kevin Bacon’s character Sebastian Shaw. There’s a scene with Mystique (Jennifer Lawrence) doing a bench press in her public-friendly, blonde-haired construction. Magneto (played by Michael Fassbender) comes in and scares her by taking control of the metal weights, lifting them up then dropping them, and she reverts to her natural blue form to catch the barbell. He tells her, “If you’re using half your concentration to look normal, you’re only half paying attention to whatever else you’re doing… You want society to accept you, but you can’t even accept yourself.”
And that was essentially me; fine tuning myself to what I thought was most socially acceptable or “normal” for the environment. There are significant downsides to doing this:
- First, as we saw with Mystique, it takes A LOT of energy. It’s like trying to remember all the details of a lie you told. It’s a lot to keep track of and I would concentrate so hard trying to keep everything straight. If I screwed up, said something wrong, I’d feel on the edge of a panic attack wondering if I’d be called out. It was no way to live.
- Second, when I didn’t have enough energy to keep up a persona, I’d revert to an exhausted and unhappy Me Heather. Since I wasn’t acting as expected, I would be told I wasn’t myself or asked what was wrong with me. It made me angry because, guess what people, this is the real me. I had unknowingly created a situation which made me believe the real me would always be unacceptable. I thought I would only find acceptance if I was the actress playing a part to perfection.
- Third and last, those high walls protecting my personas keep me emotionally distant from those I loved the most. This last one I’m still in the process of untangling because it requires the hardest steps of accepting yourself for who you are. And I don’t feel it’s fair to assign values to the parts of our personalities – this one is good while that one is bad – what they should be viewed as are the various qualities that make us unique.
To create inclusion for myself, and form a single “Heather” persona, I’ve had to accept some things about myself and the people I interact with.
I WILL NEVER APPEAL TO EVERYONE
Try as I might have, not everyone is going to be a fan. This is reality. Then doesn’t it make sense to devote my energy to accepting myself as a person and not on fine tuning my personality so the most people like me? This doesn’t give me the right to be rude or cruel to others and say, “Hey, that’s just who I am. Take it or leave it.” I’m still responsible for how my actions can affect others. I should treat others with respect, but I shouldn’t try to change myself to appeal to everyone around me. While I strive to accept others as they are, I should be also be respected for what I bring to the relationship. It, doesn’t, however, guarantee everyone will like me. Nothing can guarantee that.
PRACTICE SELF-ACCEPTANCE AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE ENOUGH
I know this is one of those things people say like it’s an easy thing to do. It can be right up there with “Just be happy,” as if it were as simple as flipping a switch. I’ll share one of the things that set me on the path. There’s a book I like to recommend by Mark Manson called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***. Based on the title, you can guess some of the language used throughout the text and, if that offends you, it’s probably not the book for you. It doesn’t tell you to stop caring about everything, it helps you realize the few things that matter the most to you and put aside the rest. Or, to summarize even more, don’t waste emotion on the things that aren’t important to you.
For me, going through this lesson helped me realize I didn’t need to keep reinventing myself to please others in all the different aspects of my life. I found the few that mattered, and that became enough for me. And let me tell you, it was quite refreshing when I did this. I do my best to keep an open mind and treat others with respect, but I’m no longer going to twist into the unique personalities Work Heather and Wife Heather and Mom Heather demanded. In the end, Me Heather is enough.
To close out this month, please don’t fall under the belief I have this all figured out. There are good days and not so good days and even really horrible, terrible and miserable days when it comes to how I feel about myself. I’ve learned that when I do have those horrible, terrible and miserable days it’s good to follow some of my other tips for building self-esteem such as doing a random act of kindness for a stranger. It benefits us to have a toolbox of techniques for getting us out of the dumps when those miserable days do come along. And, most importantly I think, realize that if you’re not treating yourself as well as you would a stranger, it would be good to take a minute and remember you have a loving heart and a beautiful soul capable of such very wonderful things. Ask around; I think you’ll find it’s true.
Enjoy the holidays to come and talk to you soon!