In December 2023, about a week after I published my December Mental Healthy article, I was feeling depressed. I had been very busy in 2023 and while I was proud of what I’d accomplished, I felt like it really hadn’t gotten me anywhere. I hadn’t become an overnight sensation of the internet. I didn’t have thousands of followers. I was still basically unknown and didn’t think my attempts at advocacy had done anyone any good. So when I looked back at 2023, I felt like I had failed.
When you measure your happiness by social media engagement – likes, followers, reposts and comments – most of us will come away disappointed. We see the popular few out there like our favorite celebrities and influencers and think we’re just as interesting (or more so). Why not us? What’s wrong with my message that the crowds aren’t beating a path to my profile? Don’t they realize I’m brilliant? Or beautiful? Or funny? I happen to have something very important to say.
But if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?
… or if you prefer…
If a post goes unliked on social media, did anyone read it?
I’ll Be Happy When…
The difficulty here is we are tying our happiness to something that we can’t fully control. We may hear ourselves saying:
- I’ll be happy when I have 10,000 followers.
- I’ll be happy when I start dating someone seriously.
- I’ll be happy when people consider me a social media influencer.
- I’ll be happy when I lose 50 pounds and everyone compliments me.
Such thinking can lead us to believe we are unworthy UNTIL we reach a certain goal. And, unfortunately, many times our problems are still there when we reach our goal; it didn’t in fact make us happy. Joy from reaching goals such as this, when we don’t have a base of self-respect and self-worth, is often short-lived. We imagine our emotions will change like flipping a light switch and all will be right with us.
This isn’t the first time I’ve found myself in this situation. When I lived in Illinois, I was very much into photography. I even did freelance maternity and children’s photography. I think some of the work I did was quite beautiful, but the praise I received was never enough. And because I didn’t get enough positive feedback to make me feel better about myself, I convinced myself the work wasn’t that good after all. Taking pictures became more and more difficult, I stopped feeling any joy in the work, and I eventually stopped shooting altogether.
If I keep a similar mindset with my writing for Mental Healthy, I’m bound to follow the same path. What I need then is a shift in my mindset for measuring my happiness. I can’t rely on external validation to make me happy. I have to be happy with myself and my accomplishments, which isn’t easy when we get such a rush from being praised. What we tend to not realize is how short lived the joy from that praise really is… which may be why we constantly crave it.
Receiving compliments and praise are wonderful and validating, but if your internal monologue is counteracting those statements, maybe telling you someone is just being nice or even lying, you won’t find much happiness there. It falls upon us then to find and cultivate the things that genuinely do bring us lasting joy. And, you guessed it, it takes work and an attitude of “I’m not trying to make you happy; I’m trying to make me happy.”
Being Brave
To find our joy, we must be open to new ideas and feelings of curiosity. We also need to manifest a little bravery. Trying new things also means that you’re going to make mistakes; you’re not going to be perfect the first time. But if you find excitement in learning, weathering the ups and downs of a new skill or activity can be softened.
When trying something new, I make a point of saving the first item I complete. If it’s an activity I’m going to keep doing, I like looking back at how I’ve improved over time. Seeing my skills develop are another thing that brings me joy. Getting better also serves as a kind of reinforcement that I can create wonderful things. If those efforts get recognized, of course it feels great, but then I need to return my focus to what I’m giving myself by doing these activities.
My goal needs to be to feel pride in my own accomplishments, not to be praised.
Don’t Apologize For Your Joy
We also need to stop being apologetic for the things that bring us joy. When I was in college, I loved spending my downtime coloring in children’s coloring books. It was fun, let my brain take a rest and I could focus on something completely unacademic.
*whispering* I also happen to really enjoy the smell of crayons.
Sometimes I’d be in my own world coloring away iin the student halls coloring away and someone would ask me what I was doing with a tone of “Why are you acting so ridiculous?” I’d explain I was just taking a break but often the person would walk away shaking their head. I didn’t care. I loved the feel of the paper, smell of the crayons… it was all mindless fun. Not many people understood, but it was my way of escaping the stress of my university studies.
My writing may not appeal to everyone. My artwork and jacket designs may not be everyone’s style, but I do it anyway because, in all honesty, I love it. I love losing myself in my work, looking up after a while and seeing that two hours have gone by. And I like looking back at how far I’ve come, how I’ve improved over time. Being a social media phenomenon might be cool, but being happy with myself is much better and will last longer.
When I started this article, I talked about how I felt depressed looking back at 2023; I felt I hadn’t accomplished enough. Even though I felt like on some level I had failed, you’ll notice I still wrote an article for January, and I’ll keep writing, because it’s what I love to do. And as I said before, don’t apologize for the things that bring you joy. You don’t need to justify those moments that feed your soul. Let your joy come from inside yourself and all the wonderful things you are capable of doing.
Have a happy 2024!