How Leadership Helped My Mental Health

There’s a quote I like that goes:

We are only here because someone believed in us.

I think that’s how many of us got into leadership. Someone recognized within us something to be shared with others… a sense of empathy, a work ethic. Someone believed we held something exceptional that needed to be developed in others, so it could spread, ideally, like a wildfire.

When I first began leading teams, it was early in my career; I knew nothing about leadership.

But you know what? It sounded cool.

I was in charge.

Me.

The power!

The influence!

(Evil overlord laugh)

I’m smiling as I write because of how funny this is looking back on it. If you’re a leader and you’re reading this, you’re probably smiling too. I think of myself back in that moment like I’m looking on from a distance and shaking my head with a chuckle.

Yea, I had no idea.

Because it’s not about telling and controlling, having a specific position or title, or proving you’re the best; although I think many of us thought that initially.

In my December issue of Mental Healthy, I talked about when my husband and I lived in Virginia with our three dogs. He was teaching technology classes around the country and gone almost every week Sunday to Friday. I wasn’t working at the time and became so depressed I would only get out of bed to care for our dogs. I did nothing to help myself; I wouldn’t shower, brush my teeth, talk to anyone, or leave the house. I was in bed over 22 hours every day. The remaining time was spent feeding the dogs and letting them outside. I’d barely do anything for myself, but the dogs were always taken care of. Despite the overwhelming darkness, I recognized my responsibility to keep the dogs alive. In those moments, their lives were more important to me than my own.

It’s ironic how so many of us fall into this. We will bend over backwards to care for others – family, friends, patients, colleagues – but we won’t extend that same kindness to ourselves.

The situation that drove the point home was giving birth to my son. I was horribly depressed during my pregnancy and not able to take my usual prescribed medication. After giving birth, when my hormones plummeted, I developed post-partum psychosis. My reality was fractured by visual and auditory hallucinations. I was unsafe around the baby and a danger to myself. Never in my life had I felt a depression so consuming and unrelenting. I imagined I was drowning in tar.

In the months that followed, I was told I absolutely needed to focus on helping myself. The doctors stressed I couldn’t give my family the love and care I wanted to share with them if I wouldn’t help myself first. Despite the overwhelming abundance of logic in that, I felt I needed a solid REASON to focus on me. And in that moment, the reason was my son. Maybe I wouldn’t show up adequately for myself, but I would show up for him. I wanted to be better for him.

So how did leadership help me with my mental health? I’ve had to employ some of the same tactics I used in Virginia and with the birth of my son. It can be hard for me to put self-care first. It might be guilt – because I feel like my depression inconveniences others. It might be shame – because I feel if I had been a stronger person this wouldn’t have happened at all. But I’ve learned I can use my position as a leader to help break me out of depressive cycles and put myself back on a path of action and improvement.

Leadership gives me several things that improve my mental state:

It lets me focus on someone other than myself: I’ve been told I’m very good at compartmentalizing. For a while, I can switch off my own struggles and focus on something else. It might not be particularly long-lived, but it helps to have something else to think about and put my own problems aside. My ability to focus and concentrate may not be 100% when I’m struggling, but the opportunity to think about something that’s not ME can feel like its own breath of fresh air. It’s a way to break out of a mindset hyper-fixated on my own problems. I think this is especially useful for me as a leader because the brief time away from my struggles can give me a new perspective. Even a small break can change how we look at things and I find it’s often for the better. When I do come back to work on my own issues, sometimes I recognize something I hadn’t before and can use that to create plans for action.

1. It can really be an emotional boost: You’ve probably heard of random acts of kindness. Have you ever paid for the person behind you at a barista? Returned something lost to its owner? Taken a person’s cart after they’ve unloaded their groceries? The surprise and joy I see on the person’s face will lift me up for hours. Such little things, but a simple kindness can really make another person’s day. I feel the same when I help members of my team. Being able to experience that gratitude is truly a wonderful thing. Maybe it sounds silly, but sometimes that gratitude fills me with so much positive emotion it’s a little difficult to breathe. This is a secret weapon of mine when I’m feeling very low: I do someone a kindness and it helps me in so many ways, but especially by changing my mindset.
2. My team inspires me to lead by example: As someone who has suffered with mental illness, I don’t wish the situation on anyone; but I know how easily it can come and how much it means to have the support of those around you. For those on my team, I don’t want them to suffer silently when there is so much help available. I’ve shared some of my struggles to let them know it’s ok to need help and to ask for it. I don’t need to know all the details, just that they need an accommodation because of what they are experiencing. That’s it. The rest is between them and their physicians. It’s very difficult to have that conversation, but mental health struggles belong on the same level as any other physical illness. A medical condition is a medical condition; the details shouldn’t matter.
3. At the beginning of my career, I thought it was cool to be a leader because I’d have power and influence. Once I had to ACT as a leader, I realized how short-sighted that was. I think one of the more important lessons about leadership is that it’s not about YOU; it’s about those you have been chosen to lead.

Having been in this position many years now, I’ve found the most amazing thing about being a leader is what you get back. And there is the potential to get SO MUCH BACK! As a leader, you can be a gateway for change for those on your team. You can open doors and possibilities and minds for those you lead and for yourself as well. Because don’t we feel such amazing pride at seeing those under our care succeed?

Overcome a challenge?

Reach the end of a difficult project?

See them enjoy the recognition they rightly deserve?

The possibilities for change are endlessly exciting.

Thanks so much for reading. I’ll be back in April to continue with topics focusing on mental health issues and the workplace. As always, please keep in mind I’m still very much a student of my own condition. I’m happy to share what has worked for me and the journey that got me there. Please reach out to your own support team as you start or continue your journey as well.

If you are in need of mental health resources, please consider reaching out to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI.org). On the website, you can find local resources and groups. You can also dial 988 in the United States for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Lastly, you can reach the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741.

I hope to have my presentation, Mental Health Focused Leadership, turned into a video to share on LinkedIn by May.

See you all next month!