I like to think of making a switch from an emotional way of thinking to a rational way of thinking is like switching from a passive to active state. There have been some techniques I’ve learned and used over the years that I want to share with you today.
But to start, I need to tell you about my husband.
This is a man that has definitely made good on that “… for better or for worse…” line from our marriage vows. There were times in our marriage when I was in such a dark place and in such a deep depression I would only get out of bed to care of our dogs. He was teaching technology classes around the country at the time and I wasn’t working. We were living in a big house in Virginia and while he was gone I would only get out of bed to feed our dogs and let them outside. I’d live like this for the whole time he was gone – barely eating, not brushing my teeth or showering, not doing anything besides lying in bed where I slept, cried, or ruminated over all the mistakes I thought I’d made in my life. I was hiding all this from him, of course, and this had been going on for months. When Friday rolled around and I knew he was coming home, I’d do my best to pull myself together. But eventually I couldn’t do it anymore and he came home one Friday to find me still in bed, where I’d been for the past 15 hours. He literally had to lift me out of bed, undress me and put me in the shower because I wasn’t going to do it for myself.
I’m probably not surprising anyone by saying this was a very low point for me. Today I have a reserve of skills and techniques to break me out of that mindset so I’m not in that darkness of thought for months on end. At the time this was going on, however, the only thing that would shock me out of that mindset was an ultimatum from my husband. If I didn’t change something myself, he would take matters into his own hands. I did not make things easy on him and it was only the thought of losing him that made me agree to do anything for myself.
The book Your Brain At Work by David Rock has a great way of describing the technique I came to use. Rock uses the phrase “mental breaking” which I think Is really very descriptive. He also says that “having explicit language for mental patterns gives you a greater ability to stop patterns emerging early on, before they take over.” How I interpreted this was giving a name to the unhealthy miasma I found myself stuck in. Living in that emotional mind, sometimes for months, was not a positive experience. The longer I was in the negative emotional mind, the more I’d come to believe its irrational thoughts. I needed to find a way to utilize that mental breaking; essentially, break myself out of that emotional mind and reduce its power. For me to succeed, I had to name that way of thinking so I could form an attack against a more substantial thing.
What is the power of knowing something’s name? Gaining power over a thing by knowing its name is a very old concept. The turning point in a Catholic exorcism is learning the name of the demon so it can be cast out. In the fairy tale Rumpelstiltskin, learning his name is the answer to the riddle that frees the young damsel. When ill, we seek a medical diagnosis so we can put a name to the ailment and come to understand it. In so many ways, learning the name of the thing weakens it. So too, I believe, is naming these negative emotions a way to weaken them. Once named, things begin to lose their mystery and we can more actively fight them. They are no longer shadowy, omniscient, invulnerable. Once named, we recognize, understand, divide and conquer.
I’ve known people who give these thoughts a person’s name, like Larry (apologies to any Larrys out there). When the emotional mind starts running amok, they say, “Ah, Larry is back at it again. Larry’s a jerk. Time for Larry to hit the road.” With this simple act, the emotional mind is recognized.
When I recognize and call out my emotional mind for taking over, a visual always comes to me:
I grew up in Wisconsin and there was always a lot of wildlife around us. At night, racoons would sometimes get into the trash cans, and of course we had the big, aluminum type with removable lids that made tons of noise. We knew almost immediately when the racoons were going through the trash, and my Dad would run outside with a flashlight to scare them away. As soon as the light shined on them, they’d look back at us frozen with glowing eyes. And my Dad would yell, “Hey! Get outta there! Shoo!” and off they’d run.
I feel like I’m doing the same thing… shining the light on that disruptive, emotional mind and telling it to move along. Because once we realize it has been overstepping its bounds, we can rein it in with our logical mind and begin the process of taking steps in a more positive direction.
It’s a simple tool to use, because as I mentioned in my November blog, we ARE going to react to situations emotionally; it’s how we’re wired. But, as a friend once told me, you don’t have to unpack and live there. I have been taught many tools and techniques over the years for managing my mental health, but, for me at least, nothing brought me greater relief than finding a way to restore some semblance of power over my thoughts. I didn’t not have to be swept away by them until utter physical and emotional fatigue gave me a break. I could recognize the thoughts for what they were, emotional reactions, understand them, and then move past them. I came to not underestimate the simple elegance and power of being able to put guide rails around the emotional mind, recognize it, and begin taking steps in a positive direction… all from a name. More than anything else, this action refreshes me with a sense of strength.