I’ve been hobbling my way through Europe since August 20 as my husband and I travel for our 25th wedding anniversary. I’ve been posting pictures to my Instagram if you’re interested in all the amazing things we’ve seen. You can find me on Instagram at @domina_rehtaeh. But even though I’m currently in the UK, I didn’t want that to stop me from releasing my September issue of Mental Healthy. (You continue to be epically awesome for reading my rambles! Cheers!)
This month I want to discuss setting boundaries which, especially at work, has a substantial impact on our mental health. Consider the following scenario:
It’s been a busy day full of meetings. During your only hour break, you’ve planned to get significant work done on a report due tomorrow. You’ve been in the zone working steadily for 15 minutes and hopeful you’ll be finished in another 20 minutes. You see a Teams message pop up saying “Hey, can you talk?” You immediately feel discouraged as you have no idea how long the conversation will take or what it’s about. As you notice your Teams status is set to Available, you kick yourself for not blocking your calendar. You really want to say “No, I don’t have time right now,” but that’s not the image you want to project. You respond to the text and then jump on a call, but you’re only half listening. As the other person talks, you mentally subtract the call duration from your available free time and think about what you can reasonably get done yet today.
I used to feel my stomach knot up when this happened to me. I was never angry at the person texting me, but I was angry I wouldn’t be able to keep working. I was in the zone and making progress. Most importantly, once I got off the phone, I’d have less time available to finish and I absolutely hate feeling rushed. I’m also never sure if I’ll be able to get back into the zone again. I can force myself to work or write or do whatever needs to get done, but working in the zone feels so effortless and energizing. I try and hold on to those moments with savage intensity.
Unless I wake up obscenely early, I’m assured of having a number of interruptions during the day. Part of the problem, however, was me not setting boundaries. Because I wanted to be helpful and accommodating, I would drop everything, saying “no, I’m not busy” when asked, but I wouldn’t have my heart or my mind fully in the conversation. To lessen the impact on me, because this is indeed a stressor, I needed to work on setting some boundaries around my time at work.
Some key components to setting boundaries are:
- Determining when a behavior or activity has exceeded your boundaries
- Recognizing that your needs and your time are just as important as those around you
- Reinforcing your boundaries by saying No or working to find alternatives
Shoring Up The Boarders
The first one is easy. I’m willing to bet you know immediately when something has exceeded your boundaries. I will momentarily freeze as my heart rate increases and my mind works to process feelings of dread, anger or upset; I may end of thinking, “Great, how do I handle this gracefully?” Despite being easy to recognize, a boundary being crossed creates an emotional and physical stress response. Add to this the complication of being at work and the real possibility your work persona cannot have the same reaction as your home life persona.
Establishing and maintaining boundaries is important as they can minimize stress, the possibility of burnout and prevent you from taking those negative emotions home with you. The point of work boundaries is to protect your time, energy and relationships with colleagues. Shoring up the boarders may take work but is worth the effort.
Starving My Psyche
As a woman and a mother, I adopted a mindset that my needs were not as important as… well, you name it. In the hierarchy of people to attend to, I was at the bottom of the list. Why that is the case is a thing for a therapist to unravel, but I have made significant progress in reversing that mindset on my own. Not an easy task though. I was a master of the “Oh, I’m fine” and “No, nothing’s wrong” and “It doesn’t matter” comments. I wasn’t taking care of myself and my needs. I convinced myself anything I wanted wasn’t important and I was, in essence, starving my psyche.
To make significant progress on improving your mental health, you must think, say, believe, reinforce and insist that you are just as important as the other 8 billion people in the world. You deserve your place in the universe and are worthy of happiness. The boundaries are there to preserve as much of that happiness and sense of worth as possible. You may worry that protecting yourself means damaging others, but that doesn’t have to be the case. It is quite possible to say “no” or “not now” in a way that doesn’t burn bridges. As a result, your self-esteem and confidence will strengthen. I think of a snowball rolling downhill. It will slowly grow, layer upon layer, and travel forward with formidable power.
No, No, NO! A Thousand Times NO!
So now, how do we go about this with a bit of grace? Once you have decided on a few key responses, saying “no” or “not now” becomes significantly easier. The first time will feel awkward, and you may stumble about a bit, but each success will bring you confidence and resolve, and you’ll soon be moving as swiftly as our snowball rolling downhill.
When it comes to work distractions, if I experienced a scenario like at the beginning of this article, I would say…
“I want to be able to give you my full attention and I’m in the middle of something at the moment. Can I get back to you in 20 minutes? I don’t want to be distracted by work when we talk.”
This is one of my favorite ways to respond because it’s polite and informative. I’m maintaining my boundaries and doing the other person the courtesy of not multitasking while we talk. I stay in the zone, complete my task, and then I’m able to pay 100% attention to the next topic.
Now let’s consider the scenario of a coworker bringing you a task that is outside your role. Coworker “delegation” can be very frustrating but, again, a few graceful response options can go a long way…
“I’m sorry, this is outside my expertise. If you talk to (team leader) they may be able to help you prioritize this activity or find someone else with availability to help.”
“I have to prioritize my work on (project X), so I’m not able to take on anything else right now.”
“If you bring this topic to the next team meeting, perhaps you find someone better able to help.”
Another scenario to address is a supervisor or team leader bringing you additional work, but you are already very busy…
“I’m currently working on projects X and Y. Can we prioritize those tasks so I’m able to spend some time on project Z?”
“I should be able to wrap up project X by the end of the week. Can we delay the start of project Y until then? So I can give it my full attention?”
“With my other projects, I can only dedicate 5 hours a week to project Z. Is that acceptable, or should we meet to prioritize those other tasks?”
“If you need to get started on project Z right away, can some of the simpler tasks be delegated to John? He’s a junior team member and is looking for additional development opportunities.”
To wrap things up, I’ve found great benefit in defending my boundaries by simply discussing my current workload and working to find solutions that benefit both sides. You don’t need to blindly say “yes” to every request that comes your way. Of course you want to make sure work tasks are completed, but it shouldn’t be at the cost of your emotional wellbeing.
Be honest.
Explain your current state.
Ask questions.
Work to find a solution.
It’s far better in the long run than accepting too much work at the wrong time and then only being able to devote part of yourself to the process. Thanks everyone for reading. I’ll see you again next month.